so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
