Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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