I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
