so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
