last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
