apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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