I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
