I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
