you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
