Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
