My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
