I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
