He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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