Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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