She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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