you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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