my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
