Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
