I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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