There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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