sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
