This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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