Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
