Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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