I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
