you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
