chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
