is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
