Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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