I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
