I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
