Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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