It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
