i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize