So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
