i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
