i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
