peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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