The maid of honor just puked.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She announced her abortion via fbk
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
