i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
