she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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