I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i love accidental penises.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
