What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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