I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
