So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
