I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
