I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
