meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I will pee on everything he values.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I did not marry a roomba.
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