Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
