When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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