on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
