I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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