I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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