This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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