just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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