Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Sext me about skeletons
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
