i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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