I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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